The Quest for Infinite Impossibilities
by staceleo
Summary: She thought she already experienced true love. He thought that greatness had passed him by. This is the story of two souls and the power of embracing the impossible.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Dedicated to my mother. She passed away a couple of days ago and writing has become my way of healing.**

**Thank you to Alice's White Rabbit for her guidance in helping make my words come together and for being an amazing friend!**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 1

It was one of those days. You know the type. A Monday when the train is late, you spill coffee on the white blouse that took you forever to iron, and you step onto a wad of gum on the way into the Starbucks in order to try and get a new drink to replace the one now covering your shirt. Once upon a time, I would have been absolutely certain that I should have stayed in bed. These days, I was just a machine and going through the motions.

I barely got my table due to the place being packed. I always sit at the same place. I'm a creature of habit in that way. The sounds of my fellow customers yelling out orders to the harried baristas in their signature green aprons filled my ears. It was soothing, however, to my ears. It was better than the silence that filled my weekend. I spent most of it sitting by the pond, listening to the frogs croaking their ugly songs. I used to love the sound they made with the chirping of the cardinals accompanying the melody, but now it just made my head hurt.

Work was an unfortunate distraction, but a distraction never less.

I usually arrived here earlier. I had to take the earliest train for the two hour commute into the city. Having to take public transportation so early allowed me to sit here and think as the smell of roasted coffee beans fill my nostrils. My schedule, due to the inability of the train to arrive on time, only gave me twenty minutes to ponder.

Ben used to say it was my wallowing hour. It was all he would allow. One hour and you move on to find the brighter side of life. The brighter side was always Be—

That guy is in here again. He's dressed in a suit like the rest of the men on their way to broker deals or scam money from the pensions of the elderly. The suit is navy and his tie is orange. It appears to be covered in rubber duckies. The tie matches his hair. It's orange too, but not in the Howdy Doody variety. It could be described as a burnt umber or bronze if one wanted to be poetic about a guy with orange hair. That hair was also wildly sticking all over his head like he stuck his finger in an electrical socket. It wasn't very professional.

Here's the thing; I'm not stalking the unprofessional maybe executive. Not at all. He showed up last week and always sits at the same table. That table is blocking my view. I cannot avoid looking at him and still see the busy motion of the city streets.

"You need to cut out the wallowing. He hated when you did that."

I almost crushed my paper cup, my fingers digging into where my name was hastily scribbled. I whispered, "Cut it out."

Garrett sat across from me. Suit freshly pressed and bright handkerchief placed in the front pocket. The man was my savior as I tried to keep a tenuous grip on my reality. Handsome in his various shades of brown. "He'd be worried about you, hun."

"I'm fine." My fingers flicked the plastic top. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him slide a piece of paper in front of me. "What's that? Passing notes, Garrett? Are we eight?"

He directed his grin at me. "That, dearest friend, is where your new home is located."

I pushed the paper back at him. "I have a home."

I did. A perfectly lovely home that I couldn't stand living in. It had a huge yard perfect for a dog, some kids—

"Bells, you need the place in the city. The commute from Old Saybrook is ridiculous. The city is vibrant, and I bet it would do you a world of good." He pushed it right back at me.

"I have a life." I glanced back at crazy hair, and he was watching us. I was probably going to be hit with a restraining order for what could be considered obsessive staring. I wonder if I could countersue for blocking my view of the street.

"No, you don't. I know good and well that all you do is sit in that house. You don't have a life, Bells." Garrett rubbed his temples. "Tanya called me. Don't think I didn't notice your ring is gone."

It was a pain in the ass that Tanya and Demetri considered him to be another son.

"She made me." I stared at my empty finger. My hand felt incomplete like the rest of me.

"Tanya did it for your own good. Her heart broke too. She loves you, kiddo. Let her help you heal."

I looked at the address printed in Garrett's precise handwriting. "I'll think about it."

Garrett smiled and glanced at his watch. "Shithead will be chomping at the bit today to have us come in early."

"Emmett or Carlisle? Emmett's too busy trying to get the new executive assistant to visit the storage room with him to worry about work."

"Has he been bothering you lately?" Garrett's face turned grim. "I can talk to him."

"Don't risk your job, Gar! It's no big deal. He's way too busy chasing Miss Hale and her tight skirts to bother with me anymore. I think his obsession with healing me is thankfully over," I stated. "I promise, though, if he tries anything again, I'll hit him so fast with a sexual harassment suit his head will spin."

I doubted Emmett would take any more risks trying to take advantage of me. I was a head designer, and it would reflect poorly on the company if I got upset. The poor support staff, unfortunately, were open game.

"Good girl," he said with a smirk. He stood and held out his hand. "The brother officially starts today in your department."

I let him help me and I chuckled. "I'm surprised he wasn't given the prime position as co-vice president with Emmett."

"I guess the naughty kid has to work his way up with good pay and benefits. Failed acting career has led him back into the family's warm embrace." Garrett noticed my discolored shirt and added, "Again? You should never be allowed to drink unless it's in a sippy cup."

I punched him in the shoulder. That was when I noticed the mystery man staring at my shirt or my boobs. It was a toss-up.

Stupid spilled coffee.

XXXXXX

The conference room was buzzing and it wasn't only over the large spread of breakfast foods laid out over the long table. Though I could imagine that the free food was playing an awful large part. My co-workers were like the starving as they descended on the bagels.

"Bella! They have onion bagels!" Jasper explained. He was another designer in my division. His long curly hair hung over his eyes, and he brushed it away halfheartedly, letting the world see his animated blue eyes. "All this for one son coming home. It must be nice."

I giggled at Jasper's comical grimace.

"You two, behave!" Garrett came behind us. His arms held a box of new organic sweet potato chips. "After we finish up this welcome party for Mr. Movie Star, I need you both to redesign the packaging for these pieces of cardboard. Boss man thinks they don't look hip enough for the kids. I swear, these things are terrible. Give me an almost raw cheeseburger any day."

The second half of Garrett's statement was whispered, causing Jasper to snicker. Talking about hamburgers was blasphemy in the halls of Cullen Wholesome Organics. We provided grocery stores, organic markets, and private schools with organic and vegetarian products to stimulate bodies and minds. Our golden-haired president, Carlisle Cullen, stood off to the side, speaking to his son Emmett. Both men were prime examples of the benefits of healthy living with muscles and bright skin that made most of the women in the building giddy just being around such handsome men. They seemed pretentious to me.

Rosalie Hale was illustrating this point as she stared at Emmett with looks of adoration. She must not have met the real Emmett yet. The obnoxious one that wouldn't leave a grieving woman alone. He was an ass.

"I heard he was in _Equus_. The dude was having sex with a horse onstage," Jasper said, wiggling his eyebrows. "I guess you will do anything to get noticed."

I tried to ignore Jasper's penchant for gossip and grabbed an apple off the table. Garrett grabbed it out of my hand, ignored my protests, and asked, "Who told you that, Jasper?"

"Alice heard it from Jessica. They're both in your department. You should have heard it first, man." Jasper was always visiting Alice in the Marketing Department. It would have been cute if he wasn't always shirking his responsibilities to go flirt with her.

Garrett rolled his eyes. "Unlike Alice and Jessica, I do my job."

"It doesn't matter what this guy was doing before, the issue is if he has any experience. I'm down one designer and the graphics department has been bogged down with asinine changes from Emmett," I pointed out. "We have a job to do. We need to get it done."

Jasper wrapped his arm around my shoulder. Little Alice with her dark curls and beady eyes was shooting daggers at me. "You need to come to happy hour tomorrow! When was the last time you had any fun?"

Fun? That was before all the hospital visits. The hours of watching toxins travel through IVs into a body that was wasting away to nothing. There hasn't been any fun for this girl in quite awhile.

"I have to get to the train on time." I wouldn't look him in the eye. Instead, I grabbed another apple.

"You need to check out that apartment. It's the best place for her, Jasper," Garrett announced. "We'll all go tomorrow at lunch."

"You're pushing again, Gar—"

There was a clap from Carlisle Cullen that interrupted me. "Cullen Wholesome Organics is a family. I think of all of you as an extension of the Cullen clan, and I hope you will all give a warm welcome to my son Edward!"

Emmett was glaring in the direction of a man who was looking out the window at the city below. I had just taken a bite of the apple and immediately choked on it as the man turned around.

It was the goofball with the rubber ducky tie.

Garrett and Jasper started patting me on the back as I continued to cough. The man stared at me with a smirk and gave a wink.

If I had any luck at all, it would be bad.

XXXXXX

It was the end of the day, and there had been no sign of the newest member of the design team. At least not in the physical sense because my mind had been creating a myriad of possible interactions with the man.

I might be becoming obsessed with the mystery of the man. Instead, I decided to try to concentrate on the schedule on my computer for the most recent ad campaigns. I was failing miserably at my task. I kept envisioning green eyes staring at me as his body pressed closely to mine.

"Isabella Swan?" I looked up to see those green eyes looking at me mischievously. His body leaned over my desk as he looked at my screen. "What _are_ you working on?"

"It's Mrs. Denali," I corrected. I tried to push my chair away but was blocked by a box of file folders. He had lost the jacket and his shirtsleeves were rolled up. The ducky tie was now missing. "This is the schedule for the week. Jasper can show you your desk."

"Emmett said it was Miss Swan. You aren't wearing a ring. Is this a recent development or—" he began. I stood up and pushed past him.

"Talk to Jasper. He can get you set up. I need to file these." I took a random pile of papers and headed toward the file room. I glanced at them quickly to see they were take-out menus that were not permitted in the building. I probably should have filed them in the trash, but I wanted to get away from my new coworker. He made me feel flustered. It felt like I was being unfaithful.

I placed my head against the cool metal of one of the file cabinets. I just wanted to go back into the past. Maybe things would be different this time around.

"You know my dad has an irrational anger toward that pizza parlor. The idea of the grease alone makes him want to break things." It was Edward Cullen, the prodigal son.

I turned around to face him. My back was flush against the cabinet. "Did you find Jasper?"

"Nope." He moved closer. "What's your story, Miss Swan? Pardon me, Mrs. Denali?"

"There's no story here, Mr. Cullen. I need to finish up for the day." Both arms went up and caged me in.

"Does this make you uncomfortable, Isabella? May I call you that?" My knees were shaking and it wasn't from fear.

"Yes and no, Mr. Cullen. There are professional boundaries that must be adhered to." I wanted to kiss a stranger. It was an irrational feeling. He wasn't whom I wanted to kiss. Those lips were long gone.

"You have a little something on your shirt, Isabella." He was staring at the coffee stain located on my breasts.

I felt my breathing getting heavy. "It happens."

I was lying to myself. This man was handsome with his crooked nose and crazy hair. He made me dizzy with something I hadn't felt for so long.

"Call me Edward. I feel like I've always known you. You've been staring at me every morning. I've noticed and have been staring right back." His nose grazed mine and he added, "Oops. My bad."

"You were blocking my view like you're blocking my exit now. I wasn't staring at you," I protested weakly.

"Or watching life pass you by, Isabella? Emmett told me all about you." He tapped my nose with his long finger. "You should try new things."

"Like restraining orders and sexual harassment suits, Mr. Cullen. I suggest that you mind your manners." I found myself leaning into him. I had been so lonely. Perhaps I have been starving for this.

"Isabella Swan Denali, I'm not going to be doing anything without your permission. In fact, you'll be begging for it. We're kindred spirits. You just don't know it yet." His mouth hovered over mine. He moved slightly and I felt them ghost over mine. "Better catch your train to Connecticut, Isabella."

He walked away with a swagger. That man knew everything about me.

Tears filled my eyes. I was weak. "I'm so sorry, Bennie. So very sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Special thanks to Alice's White Rabbit for fixing my mistakes and being a lovely friend.**

**Also, I thank all of you for giving this story a chance. **

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 2

I called in sick.

It seemed that some days I functioned just fine. I would eat a bagel for breakfast. Then head out to catch the train. Work all day long. Take the train home. Frozen dinner and call Tanya. Sleep.

Next day, I repeated what I did the day before.

This would be my routine for weeks, but there only had to be one thing to set me off. Today, I would say it was the overcast skies. The idea of sitting on one of the benches next to the tracks as the impending threat of rain beckoned was unfathomable to me. If I added in the thought of having to be social at Jasper's happy hour, I knew I would be better off hiding under the covers on my bed.

This was exactly what I was doing. In my hands, I clutched a photograph of Ben and I on the beach. The sun was setting behind us and there was a light breeze lifting our hair as the waves lapped on the beach. His hands were tightly holding my waist as my body relaxed against his chest. Ben's dark curls were a wild mess on his head and his light blue eyes were so joyful. I held my reading light over the picture and stared at those eyes. They had always held me captive, even when we were little children.

He was my first friend. My best friend. When Garrett joined us in pre-school, we became the three amigos. They were my constant companions.

When I grew older, I fell in love with Benjamin. It was pure and it was true. Garrett was our wild, man friend. It was always supposed to be that way. Now I was floundering, and Garrett was trying to keep me afloat like the big brother he became to me. He was always trying to help me move on and grow from this.

I didn't want to grow. I didn't want to move on and into an apartment in the city. I had true love, and I would spend the rest of my life with unfulfilled dreams. That green-eyed man in my office would not sway me to think anything different. If I changed anything, I should quit and get a job in town. I heard there was an opening at the library for someone to checkout books for the patrons. It sounded thrilling.

"Isabella Marie Swan Denali, I suggest you stop hiding in that bed. I have coffee," Tanya's muffled voice interrupted my wallowing.

Tanya Denali, mother-in-law of the year, was here to kick my butt. I should have hidden in the basement.

"I'm hibernating." I burrowed myself even more and added the pillow over my head.

"You know she's the most stubborn girl in the world, Mama Tanya," Garrett said from where he stood in the outside world.

I kicked my feet when I felt something touch my blankets. I shouted, "You need to be at work!"

The covers were pulled away from my body. Garrett grinned down at me and announced, "Good morning, sunshine."

"What if I was naked? Have you no boundaries?" I stuck a pillow over my head.

"You know that I have zero boundaries, Bella. I also know that you know that I know you dress up like an Eskimo the go to sleep at night. It's always been that way." Garrett grabbed my blanket. "Nice flannel, pal."

My flannel pajamas had returned to the rotation after Ben died. I never needed pajamas when he was alive. My husband was like a living heater. I just snuggled my naked body into his and instantly felt warm.

"Let's have some coffee and muffins and discuss this place Garrett wants you to see today," Mama said in a resolute tone.

"Garrett needs to be at work." I threw the pillow at his head.

He caught the pillow and hugged it to his chest. "Carlisle told me to take off and take care of you. He knows of a great building that is perfectly safe and rent controlled. There is even a rooftop garden for you to grow plants. The boss man is worried about you too, and unlike dick Emmett, he is concerned about your welfare. Everybody knows it's bullshit when you call out sick."

Tanya swatted Garrett's head. "Language, boy! Do I need to call your mother?"

Garrett made a face. Tanya was more like a mother to him than Diane. That woman was more concerned about the Indian casinos and their slot machines than her son. It had always been that way.

I looked at my bedroom with the walls painted a serene blue that reminded me of the sky on a sunny day. Ben and I painted it ourselves. We had a paint fight that ended with passionate lovemaking. It took forever to get the paint we got on the hardwood floor off after we made love. There was still a splotch of blue by my dresser. It was worth it.

I let Garrett pull me up as I stared at the spot and just allowed myself to get lost in the memory. He continued, "Snap out of it. We need to get you moving."

"I don't want to leave Be . . . I don't want to leave my house," I whispered. "I can't sell it."

Tanya pulled me into her embrace. "You don't have to sell it, sweetie. I can take care of it for you. We can always rent it to Angela and Eric until you are ready to move back in here," she suggested. "Ben would hate seeing you like this. You _know_ that! I can't lose you to sadness like I lost Ben to leukemia."

I shuddered at the image that flashed in my mind of Ben wasting away with sunken eyes in our bed. My therapist, Dr. Carmen Castillo, would meet me twice a week. During my hour, she would reason with me to try and come to grips with Ben dying. Every time I felt like I was taking a few steps forward, I would stumble quickly backward.

"You know Angela will take care if this place until you're ready to move back, Bella. I just can't figure out a better way to motivate you. My only other option is to call Charlie and have him move you back to Washington." Tanya looked crestfallen. I couldn't hurt her.

I also didn't want to move in my dad's bachelor pad. That man was set in his ways with his long fishing and hunting trips on weekends, while weekdays he would be perched on his chair with a beer, watching sports on the big screen. Angela was a dear friend, and she was trying to start a family with Eric. This would be such a good place for them to raise babies and let them play in the big backyard. The place that my children were supposed to play. I held back a sob at the thought.

"I'll go and look with you. We'll see."

It was all I could give.

XXXXXX

Garrett liked driving into the city. He would just visit Old Saybrook on weekends so he could make the long drive. His Mini Cooper would zip around the traffic on I-95 and cut off tractor-trailers. My friend was obsessed with tailgating and cursing the drivers in front of him. He found it exhilarating. Obviously, my friend was nuts. It was horrifying.

We arrived in front of an ornate building across from Central Park. A man in a maroon uniform was greeting the residents coming in and out while a similarly dressed valet came up to my door. I looked at Garrett with large eyes. "There is no way in Hades I can afford a place here."

"Carlisle said it was no issue," Garrett said smugly.

"That man has a warped sense of money. It's what happens when your middle name is probably Midas," I quipped. Cullen was insane.

The man opened my door. "We've been waiting for you, Miss Swan. Mr. Walker, I will pull your car in the garage."

Garrett thanked him and I muttered, "You have to be kidding me."

The doorman also greeted us by name and introduced himself as Harry. He reminded me of Santa Claus with his white beard, rosy cheeks, and sparkling eyes. He was a positively merry man. He escorted us into the main entranceway. My eyes widened as I took in the marble front desk and lobby with damask couches where two older women wearing pearls were sipping tea.

"This isn't an apartment building. Are you sure this isn't some fancy hotel like the Plaza or the Ritz?" I asked, still looking at the finery around me. "I don't think my things would fit in at a place like this."

The furnishings that Ben and I collected over the years fit in our white farmhouse and not this overpriced premier apartment building.

"Miss Swan, the suite is completely furnished. Technically, Mr. Cullen owns the apartment you will be renting so all rent will be given to him. Several family members have units in the building. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen use their penthouse quite often. Mrs. Cullen has renovated your apartment herself and hopes it meets your approval," Harry explained.

Garrett stared at him in shock. "I'll be damned! Carl really _does _like you!"

"He must be insane!"

Harry grinned cheekily. "I would say so. The whole family is a bit quirky, but I think they mean well. I've had people come and go in this place, but Mr. and Mrs. Cullen have always treated me like an equal, and I respect that. Let me get you tour guides to the apartment."

Harry headed to the front desk to make a call. My head was spinning with all the things that were happening. I looked out the large windows and into the raindrops falling down. It was as if the skies opened up to fit my mood. My bed was the only safe haven, and I should have kicked Tanya and Garrett out and hid.

"This makes no sense. I don't want to be indebted to our boss. What about the place you suggested? I'll look at that and then say I'm not interested. That sounds like a lovely plan." I headed toward the door, and Garrett pulled me back.

"Not so fast, Swan! You need to give this a chance." Garrett looked around him. "The other place was nice, but this is Shangri-La. I think we should go look at it and see how much Carl is charging for this place. It would be nice to hang out with my best friend more often. I have one of you left."

I took his hand. There was no need for words.

"All right, Mr. Walker and Ms. Swan, you can head up to the tenth floor. It's apartment number two."

I was frozen. This was far too real. Garrett just gently led me to the elevator. We got in to travel up to the tenth floor, but nothing resonated with me. I could hear Garrett speaking to me, but it just sounded like a bunch of nonsensical words thrown together in a jumble. The feeling of going upward toward my destiny filled every fiber of my being. I wondered to myself if it would be too dramatic if I hit the emergency button to make the elevator stop.

"We're here," Garrett announced. He gently led me out and down a hallway that had hardwood floors with an oriental runner. There were only two doors. He added, "Be brave and strong, Swan."

"There are only two apartments?" I wondered aloud as we walked down toward the second door. It was a massive oak door with a gold metal number two placed in the middle.

Garrett knocked twice and barged in as he held onto my arm tightly. He knew I was ready to flee. The living room was large and airy. The walls were painted a light yellow, and even the gray, rainy day couldn't damper the cheerful hue. The furniture was comfortable-looking in grayish blues with floral pillows that tied in with the color scheme. It was exactly what I liked.

I felt sick.

Jasper burst out of the kitchen. "Bella, isn't this great! Girl, you need this place."

"What are you doing here, man? I thought you were going to stay in the office?" Garrett held my arm trying to give me support as he held me tighter. I couldn't live here. These were my favorite colors and exactly how I would decorate my house.

My stomach was doing flip-flops. I felt like I was on a sailboat on rough seas and I was going to go down into the waves.

"I was going to, but then Edward—" Jasper began to say as the bile rose into my mouth. There were brightly colored vases filled with gerbera daisies just like I used to place on my kitchen table that Ben and I would stare at each over while we ate Rice Krispies in the morning.

Edward came out of the kitchen and gave me a wink. "Howdy, neighbor."

My hands flew to my mouth and Garrett knew exactly what was happening. He lifted me in his arms and yelled, "Bathroom! She's going to be sick!"

And, I was, all over Garrett's shirt.

XXXXXX

"I'm so sorry," I said as my head was still over the toilet.

Garrett rubbed my back slowly. "Honey, you know I'm okay with it. It isn't the first time. I remember a time when we were little and you were at bat at tee ball. All of a sudden, you turned green. Ben and I ran over to help—"

"My heroes," I said weakly. I turned my head and rested it on my arms as I used the toilet as a ledge. "You two were always trying to be my knights in shining armor."

"We always will. One of us on earth and the other in heaven." He tapped my nose.

Edward came to the doorway. His red hair was a crazy mess and those eyes of his looked worried. I hated that I was happy to stare at him. The poor boy was like my eye candy. It was fucked up. He said quietly, "Is Bella okay? I heard there's a stomach flu going around."

Garrett looked at him as he moved the hair away from my face. "When she gets nervous about something, Bella has a tendency to get sick. She just needs to lay down for a second."

I felt myself being lifted and heard Garrett ask, "Where is the bedroom?"

"I'll take you there."

I was placed on a soft bed and it felt like I was on a cloud. A soft blanket was placed on me as Edward said softly, "Sweet dreams, pretty girl."

My dreams were sweet. They were all about flower-filled meadows and happy children frolicking with a kite. I hadn't felt that relaxed in a long time. That was until I felt a cool, wet cloth on my head. My eyes fluttered open to see Edward Cullen looking down at me. His face was concerned.

I struggled to sit up. "Where's Garrett? Jasper?"

"Jasper had to head back to work and Garrett is in the bathroom." Edward reached to the bedside table and grabbed a glass of water. "I think you should drink this."

The cool water coursed down my throat. "Thanks."

"Do you like the bed?"

I almost dropped the glass. "Please don't tell me you're trying to seduce me."

"I'm not!" He threw both hands in the air. "It was a legitimate question. It's the same mattress that my mother used in my apartment. It's the first one when you get off the elevator."

"Oh. I'm not sleeping with you." I clutched my glass. "What you pulled yesterday—"

"Was sexy?" He grinned at me.

"You can leave now." I pointed to the door, but he didn't leave. "Now!"

He took my hand and held it lightly. "I was testing you. Emmett told me some things."

"Did he now? Your brother is a jerk. If you are listening to his sexual harassing ass then I _do_ feel bad for you. Was this a bet? I wouldn't let your big brother feel me up, so you are going to try?" I pulled my hand away and weaved my fingers together on my lap as he shook his head in disagreement. "I will clue you in on some things. I am a widow who watched the boy she loved since she was very small die from a horrendous disease. I'm stuck here until I can finally join him, and my heart breaks into a million pieces daily. I have no desire to deal with the likes of you. Does that make it clear?"

Edward was quiet for a moment. He stared at the blanket that covered me then he stared at my face. Slowly, he raised his hand. "Hello. My name is Edward Cullen. It is very nice to meet you. I would very much like you to move in here."

I looked at him, dumbfounded for a moment. "What are you doing?"

"Starting over."

Was this what today meant? What should I do? Move forward or run quickly to the memories of the past.

I held out my hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Bella."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Alice's White Rabbit is not only an amazing friend, but she's also a wonderful beta. **

**I had this dream after my mother died that starred my husband instead. It was unsettling. I decided to write it down for this story. **

**Anyway, my mom's Celebration of Life is this weekend. I miss her. This story is dedicated to her. **

**I thank you all, with my whole heart, for reading this story. **

Chapter 3

_There was a chill in the air. I blamed the early mornings in summer that would start out frigid but warmed up to an unbearable heat as the day went on. I stood in front of the sink and stared out into the brightening day. The water rushed over the strawberries that I was cleaning in a colander that once belonged to Ben__'__s ancestors. Holding it in my hands, I could feel the history that it had been a part of through the decades._

"_Ben, honey, come down for breakfast!__" __I called. _

_I looked at the kitchen table, surrounded by windows. Sunbeams lit Ben__'__s favorite breakfast of blueberry pancakes and strong coffee. I would make it every morning for him if I could, but Sunday mornings were a given. He needed sustenance before he gave himself to his congregation. _

"_Bennie?__" __There had been no sound of him stirring. __"__Baby?__"_

_I noticed the kitchen door was opened. It had been closed just moments ago. _

_There was the sound of humming wafting through the air and I followed it out. It was as if the Pied Piper was playing his flute and calling me to his side. The cool dew that rested on the grass coated my bare feet as I headed toward the lovely baritone. The humming was my Ben, who sat on a log next to the pond._

"_It__'__s breakfast time, Ben. You need to eat and get ready,__" __I stated as I leaned down and kissed his neck. I pulled away because of a horrible smell. __"__What are you doing out here?__"_

_It was the smell of decay._

_He turned around; his handsome face looked pale. __"__I was greeting the day, but there__'__s nothing there.__"_

"_Honey, the beauty of a new day is surrounding us!__" __I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him. __"__Let__'__s have some breakfast then go greet our friends and family.__"_

_It had grown more humid during the few minutes I sat with my husband. I noticed him scratching his face violently. Blood and skin were coming off with every movement of his nails. __"__The good word is a lie.__"_

"_Ben! Stop it!__" __I attempted to pull his hands away, but he wouldn__'__t stop. _

_The rest of his skin was falling away with muscles and veins as he eyeballs fell into my lap. I was too shocked to scream. His hands, that were now only bones, pulled mine onto the cheek area of his skull. Eyeless sockets looked at me. _

"_God is dead,__" __what was left of my Ben said to me before he crumbled into a fine ash. _

_I looked at the gray ash that sat in the palm of my hands and screamed._

"Nothing! He's nothing! We're all going to be nothing!" I cried out into the darkened bedroom and fumbled around to try and find the switch to the lamp on my nightstand. Nothing was there. This wasn't my home. It was that apartment in the city.

A light was turned on and Garrett ran into the room. He got to the bed and pulled me into his arms as he wiped away my tears with his palm. "Calm down, kiddo. You're going to be okay."

I looked at him with blurry eyes. The Dartmouth tee-shirt and sweatpants were unfamiliar. "What are you wearing?"

"The Prodigal Son gave me a change of clothes. I'm sleeping in the guest room. I'm not leaving you if you're having the nightmares again." He stroked my hair. "You need me to call your therapist?"

I knew, without a doubt, my therapist would be perfectly comfortable with taking a call this late, but I wouldn't do that to her. I would be fine. I just needed to be able to breathe again. "It's okay. I need to change."

"Edward grabbed your overnight bag from Harry. They got it out of my car for you." He rubbed my back. "Can I get you some water?"

"You're hovering," I pointed out.

"Best friends hover. It's what we do, milady." Garrett paused. "We can go back to Saybrook tomorrow and get your things."

I looked around the calming room and sighed. "I need to talk to Mr. Cullen first. This makes no sense."

"Bells, the Cullens are known as eccentrics with an obsession with health foods. The reason for their madness isn't always apparent, but you might as well reap the rewards. Edward said his dad will be around tomorrow. We'll just ask him."

"I don't know—"

Garrett stood up and gave me his obnoxious know-it-all face. "You could head to church and pray on it."

"I'll never walk in there again," I growled. "It's not my Ben's church anymore."

"Reverend Hunter is an asshole, but you can use the building to find solace. Maybe just hang out and think," he suggested.

I just shook my head at the suggestion. That white clapboard church was important to me, because it was important to Ben. I wasn't religious as he was, and he always teased me about how he just had to marry an agnostic like me. Now that a young, fire and brimstone preacher like James Walker took over, there was nothing left of Ben's beloved church.

I stood up and grabbed my bag, which was resting on a nearby chair. "I'll sleep on it."

An odd expression came over Garrett's face and he came over to me. The palm of his hand stroked my face. "I need you to have pleasant dreams, Bells. Always remember that I'll be here for you."

XXXXXX

The next morning, the smell of strong coffee and sizzling bacon woke me from my slumber. It smelled divine, but if Garrett was making breakfast, there was a disaster waiting to happen.

I threw on a robe and hightailed it to the kitchen where I found Edward Cullen, cooking on the stove.

He turned around, looking more like a frat boy in a SIGMA TAU EPSILON tee-shirt and worn jeans. His bare feet danced around the floor as he began to plate food. Singing with a melodic voice, he said, "Sleeping Beauty has awoken from her long slumber. I shall feed her honey and tea."

"I'd be happier with a cup of that coffee with milk." I headed toward the coffee pot, but Edward just motioned for me to sit at the kitchen table. A few moments later, he placed a steaming mug in front of me with a bow. "Where's Garrett, and how did you get in here?"

"The missing Garrett is at his apartment getting changed. He'll see you soon. Breakfast should be ready in a few." He was taking muffins out of a container and putting them into a basket. There was way too much food.

I took a sip of the caffeinated goodness and then asked, "Are you feeding an army?"

"My parents are coming over to talk to you about the apartment." He started cutting up strawberries. "They really want you to stay here."

He was very handsome as he danced around the kitchen. I hated myself for noticing.

"Is this a _Rosemary__'__s Baby_ situation? I have no time to carry evil spawn," I joked. "The workload at the office is crazy enough."

"Never fear, they're good people. Opinionated, but good." The smile on his face was strained. There was a story behind this that lit my latent curiosity. I had been just fine ignoring the happenings around me until this guy showed up. He started draining the bacon. "Their fault is not liking this wondrous bacon."

"So you're feeding it to them for breakfast? You're the bad boy of the family?"

"Nope, that would be Emmett. I'm just the dashing carnivore," he explained.

I snorted into my coffee. He made me laugh. Though the mention of his brother made the laughter fade. "He won't be here, will he?"

Emmett Cullen would be called charming in some circles, but I found him to lack common decency. He was a spoiled, oversized child who had the ability to pull the wool over his parents' eyes. The Emmett I knew was a borderline sexual harasser who quickly tried to cover his bad behavior with a joke and a grin. His dimples would make most women in the office swoon and instantly forgive. I had ignored him when Ben was still alive because, for the most part, Emmett left me alone. It wasn't until after Ben's funeral that the boss's son upped his game. I suppose it was the challenge of seducing the grieving widow to ease her pain. I had been trying to duck his advances for a year now.

"No, he won't. He wanted to, but I told him you weren't feeling well. We both owe you a big apology. I'm truly sorry I listened to him." Edward sat across from me and took my hand. "I talked to my dad, and he respects you so much. He also thought highly of your husband."

I pulled my hand away at the spark that I felt at his touch. It was as intense as what I felt when I touched Ben. Edward looked at me with wide eyes. There was a current between us that made me want to tremble.

I quickly spoke, "Why is he doing this for me? Your dad? He barely knows me."

"Dad knows more than you would think. He just looks like a peppy hippy." Edward grabbed a strawberry. "He is also one of the pushiest and bossiest people I know. The Cullens, usually, are the types who want to save things like the planet. Occasionally, this extends to people. It seems you are the next damsel in distress that Dad and Mom want to rescue."

He popped the strawberry and started to chew it roughly. His eyes were staring at the colorful placemat on the table as he started picking at the edges.

I grabbed a blueberry and started tossing it in the air. "I guess you were another rescue?"

"How did you guess?" He looked up with a smirk. "Are you a mind reader?"

"Just observant."

Ben had always said I could read people like an open book and had a way of easing them into talking about their problems. It was a pretty helpful ability to have as a preacher's wife. They would open up to me with the issues that plagued them when Ben wasn't available. Together, Ben and I, would help solve them. We were a team. I missed that feeling.

"—screwed it all up," he said. I was rusty in listening to other people. I missed most of what he was saying. "It was the part I was born to play, and I couldn't go back on it afterward. Dad and Mom rushed in, and here I am stuck creating advertisements for overpriced organic foods."

"You mean my job." I raised an eyebrow at him.

Edward looked at me sheepishly. "Sorry."

"No biggie. I wanted to illustrate children's books. We all have dreams. Maybe you'll decide to try again and that will be the moment that dream will come true." I shrugged and played with a fork.

"What about your dreams, Bella?" He stood and came over to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. I leaned into it without thinking. The heat of his hand made butterflies fill my stomach. I swallowed down the fear.

Taking a deep breath, I explained, "I don't dream anymore. They're gone now. I do what I need to so I can keep afloat. It's okay."

Edward rubbed my shoulder. "It's not okay."

I looked up at him and our eyes met. I could get lost in them. I could get lost in him.

"Can I help you move stuff from your house?" he asked. "Garrett said that was the plan today."

"I didn't say I was moving in here," I whispered. I couldn't look away.

He continued to rub my shoulders. "I think you should. I'll make a great neighbor. I like cooking for two."

"Oh."

"Can I take that 'oh' as a yes?" He kneeled down to be eye level with me. "I can show you around the city."

"Garrett can do that." Our noses were almost touching.

Edward didn't move an inch. "I know he can, but I'm going to do it."

"Oh."

"You really like saying that, Bella."

"Yes." I sounded like an idiot. This man made me into one.

The attraction to him was like magnets being pulled together. It was different with Ben. We were childhood friends that blossomed into love. I think this was the first time I ever experienced pure lust. His lips would be perfect against mine. Ben would be ashamed of me.

I shook my head. "You want to kiss me. This isn't right! I'm married."

"I won't lie. You look very kissable, Bella. However, you aren't ready for that. I won't mess up again, not after what I pulled during our first meeting. I really do want to be your friend. You make me think of dreaming again." He tapped our noses together with a light touch. "That's all you get for now, kid."

Life had been so predictable since Ben's death. I really had thought that was what I wanted. The mundane everyday motions to keep me going until my time was up on this planet. Edward said I had given him back his dreams. I think he was giving back my reasons to truly live.

"You can come with Garrett and me to Connecticut. I haven't decided if I'm moving in here, but having you come might help me finalize my decision." I pondered how Edward would look standing in my garden. Would it drive me back into hiding in my farmhouse or force me into experiencing city life.

"Packing? I'm great with sticky tape." His smile could light up a room.

I shook my head. "I need you to meet Tanya."

"Best friend, Bella?"

"No, she's my mother-in-law." I couldn't help smiling. If she couldn't figure him out then he was truly a mystery.

Neither of us moved. We were stone-still.

"What's going on here?" an annoyed Garrett asked. Edward and I broke our stare and saw that he was followed by Edward's barefoot parents, who seemed to be only wearing floral kimonos.

"Edward is coming with us to get my stuff," I blurted out.

Garrett didn't look very impressed, but Edward's mom gave a happy clap.

"That's lovely! We can help and drive up one of the delivery vans to pick-up your things," Carlisle suggested. He seemed thrilled at the news until a smell made him wrinkle his nose. "Bacon, Edward? Why, son?"

Edward gave me a wink and squeezed my knee.

I was reluctant to admit I liked it, but I really did.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Thank you all for reading. **

**Alice's White Rabbit is a wonderful Beta and friend. **

**Enjoy. **

Chapter 4

Carlisle Cullen was not only a boss. He was also a bossy individual.

I could see why Edward had serious issues with his father. I honestly didn't think Mr. Cullen meant any harm, but he was used to being in charge of everything around him. He might look benign in his Grateful Dead tee-shirt and cargo shorts, but he was pushing everyone's buttons. According to Mr. Cullen, boxes of my things needed to be packed in a certain way. I think Tanya was two seconds away from throttling him.

He was the sun and the rest of us were the planets he felt should revolve around him.

"Are you hiding from my dad too?" Edward came and sat next to me on a log next to my pond.

I nodded and continued to stare at the water. The sun glistened on the gentle waves a slight breeze was creating. I thought about the past that was experienced here and the future that would never come.

"It's really a beautiful piece of land," he continued, ignoring my standoffish demeanor. "The city can be beautiful too."

"Uh huh." Short and simple. Perhaps he would move on.

He patted my hand. "It will be okay. I'll be there to help."

"This was my place with Ben," I admitted.

A blue heron swooped in to search for a frog for his lunch. There was a regal look to the bird that made me think of the possibility of healing.

"Oh." He stared at me. I felt the heat of his gaze on my cheek. "I can see why you both liked it. It's very peaceful."

"It is." A tear dripped from my eye. It just slipped out. Unwanted and embarrassing.

Edward took my hand. I let him. "He's here you know."

"Who?" The heron flapped his wings and took off into the air.

"Your husband." He stared where the bird traveled. "I bet he wants you to be happy."

My hand tightened on his. I had spent so much time just trying to heal myself and pushing others away. "I know. I feel Ben when I look out into the meadows and the fields, then I remember he's just decomposing into the cosmos."

I felt a teardrop and I wiped it away with the back of my hand. A bullfrog began croaking out his song.

There was a squeeze. His fingers linked with mine. Edward said solemnly, "I disagree. I can feel it. There has to be something more. It could be God or some sort of kismet that makes this world go round. This beauty around us, this beauty you possess, must have been created specifically for me to admire. I truly believe this."

I felt his eyes on me as I stared out into the nature that surrounded my home. He was calling me beautiful. The words I wanted to use to disagree froze in my throat.

Edward wrapped an arm around my shoulder and gave me a hug. "Let's get your things. It's time to find where you belong."

XXXXXX

Esme Cullen was sitting in my vegetable garden, her fingers were stroking the soil. She seemed happy in the dirt, like this was the only place she wanted to be.

Her hair was pulled up into a haphazard ponytail that had wisps flying out of the confines of the elastic that was used to tie it back. Her _Bates College_ sweatshirt had stains and the jeans she wore were ripped. Esme did not look like the wife of the owner of an organic foods conglomerate. Instead, with the sun hitting her hair making blonde highlights glow and surrounded by green plants, the woman reminded me of Greek goddess Demeter. She seemed lovely and wise at that moment. I was intimidated.

I approached her cautiously with my head facing the ground. There were weeds everywhere. I used to love working in the garden and getting the dirt stuck in my nails while the butterflies flew around my head. It was now a mass of clovers, random patches of grass, and the occasional clump of pretty, delicate purple flowers. They were an invasive species of weeds, but lovely all the same. I hated pulling them.

"It's a bit of a mess out here," I admitted, the toe of my shoe kicking clover out of the ground.

She gave me a huge smile and patted the ground next to her. "Sit with me. Your life is a bit messy right now. The plants know."

The rumors were true. Esme Cullen was a bit wacky. I didn't really know her before. She would wander the office occasionally wearing floral dresses that cost more than my stove and pearls that gleamed around her neck. Her face was often pinched as if she was sucking a lemon. The woman next to me was open and engaging. A complete contradiction to what I thought I knew. It seemed entirely possible her sullen expression was due to the role she was forced to play. This Esme, here and now, was real. This plot of land was her peace.

"I'm sorry about my son. I spoiled him too much. It was my way of dealing with this life that was forced upon him," she continued. Taking one of those purple flowers, Esme tucked it behind my ear.

"Edward?"

"Emmett. Edward told me what my eldest was up to these days. Edward has always been my sensitive dreamer. Emmett is too ambitious and callous for his own good. We should have stayed on the farm." She sighed and softly touched the leaves of a nearby plant. "The problem with acquiring too much money too fast is you can lose a piece of yourself. Emmett lost the joy he had when he was little. His chubby little legs would run through the fields at dusk and he would try to catch fireflies. Edward would cry after him, and Emmett would be sure to catch him one. Those two used to be so close—"

Her words went to a melancholy whisper.

"I'm sorry." I didn't know why this made me so sad.

"Bella, if Emmett gives you any more trouble, come to me. I'll get my Mama Bear face on and take care of it." She squeezed my hand. "He needs to learn compassion."

I shrugged. "You don't have to."

"You make Edward smile. You make me smile. You deserve some peace and happiness, my dear," Esme explained. There were passively aggressive noises coming from near the porch. Carlisle was waving wind chimes at Tanya. She was sneering at him. "Oh, lord, Carl is being bossy again. I love that man, but he can be a pain in the ass."

I looked at the soft-spoken woman in shock.

"What? I know my husband too well. To love him is to except his faults and then make him do what I want anyway. I'm getting pretty good at it, Bella." She winked at me. "Let's team up with your mother-in-law. I like her and it will drive Carl nuts."

She helped pull me up and we walked toward the loud voices. I had made a magical new friend. It was lovely.

XXXXXX

There was a picture of Ben and I from our wedding reception which sat on the mantle. We had the reception at a nearby restaurant that was next to a beach. The sun was setting on the horizon as we sat in the sand with me wearing the white dress and Ben in his tux. Our smiles were bright and the future was ours.

"That is one of my favorites, sweetie," Tanya stated as she wrapped her arms around me. "What do you want from the living room? The couch?"

"Let's leave most of it to Ang and Eric. They need so much. Ben would want that." I thought about the way his eyes would crinkle when he smiled. Helping our friends would be what Ben would do. "The Cullens have everything else in that place. I just need my knick-knacks and photos."

Sometimes having two best friends that were boys was hard. That was where Angela fit in. While the two of them went through their Transformers phase, I had her to play with Barbies. When I had my first period, Angela was the one who commiserated with me. The moment I realized I craved Ben's lips on mine, my best girlfriend was who I confided in.

I was her maid of honor when she married the sweet, yet geeky, Eric. She was my matron of honor when my dreams of being wed to Ben became a reality.

The only people I wished to live in the house I adored, other than Ben and I, were our treasured friends.

"Those Cullens are odd ducks, sweetie. Don't let them take over your whole world." Tanya squeezed me. She looked at the old oak bookshelf that Ben ferreted away from his parents' house. He did it for me because he knew I collected novels like some people collected stamps. "You need your books."

"If Angela doesn't want them, I suggest donating them to the library." I looked over to my once beloved books that sat prominently on the shelves. They now mocked me. We used to sit in front of the blazing fire, Ben and I, debating the words authors wrote. He would examine the text philosophers wrote and tried to reconcile them with his belief in God. I would revel in the chills and thrills I would get from devouring the frightful tales of King and Barker.

Ben used to say I wasn't critical enough when it came to literature. My counter-argument was he was a snob who wouldn't allow himself the simple pleasures of reading for enjoyment. Neither one of us was perfect, but in our imperfection, there was a balance.

Edward had wandered in during our talk and stood in front of the bookcase. His eyes were taking in all the titles with a smile that lit up his whole face. Before Tanya could disagree with me about the books, he spoke up, "Sorry to interrupt, but you like Ibsen, Bella?"

He held up a dog-eared copy of _Hedda Gabler_ that I owned. The tragedy of the flawed female lead of that play always made me melancholy but I used to love it anyway.

"I have his other plays too. There are a bunch of Tennessee Williams and August Wilson scripts over there. You can have them if you want. I won't be taking any books with me," I explained.

Edward's face looked concerned. "You should take them with you. Every home needs the smell of the written word. There is something about feeling the pages in your fingers. Those Kindles and iPads have nothing on actual books."

Those were my feelings exactly. Who was this attractive and confusing man?

Tanya beamed at him. "You, young man, are a keeper! Listen to him, Isabella. He's smart. Could you get us some boxes for these books?"

"Listen, I don't want—" I began to protest.

They ignored me. Edward nodded at Tanya with a wink and headed out to get more boxes. She turned to me and giddily announced, "He's handsome! Don't tell Garrett, but I do think you should ask him to dinner."

"Are you talking about a date? Tanya, what about Ben? Are you going batty?"

She must have been sipping some of the cooking sherry she hid on the top shelf of her kitchen cabinet.

"Sweetheart, I love my son always, and every morning I wake up wishing I could hug him tight. I also love you. You deserve to have love in your life again. I want little children running around my feet. Even though they won't be Ben's babies, I'll still love your children like they were my own grandchildren." She took my hands. "You like that boy. I can see the way your eyes light up when he's around. It's okay."

"Garrett still seems tentative around Edward," I pointed out.

From the view through the bay window, I observed Edward and Garrett bickering. It wasn't very heated, but the way they were holding their bodies was ridged. The possibility of a friendship between the two was still up in the air.

Tanya stared at the same scene I did. She flatly informed me, "He's in love with you."

"I barely know Edward Cullen."

"Bella, I'm talking about Garrett." Tanya watched as I sat down on the ottoman in shock. "The fights he used to have with Ben were over you. Those boys were both smitten, but their friendship was important. They let you pick, and Ben won."

"He's my friend," I stated, trying to get Tanya to take back what she said. "We've always been friends."

She sat behind me and rubbed my back. "I know, Bella. Garrett will always be that to you. A part of me wishes you could find him to be someone to love after Ben. You and Garrett have gotten me though so much. I know my wishes aren't reality. You need to find that person to love again, and I can't pick him."

"I love Ben," I whispered as Tanya took my hand.

"And he loved you," she answered and hugged me tight. "He would want you happy again, and I want it too."

We both started crying in each other's arms. It wasn't the first time and I was certain it wouldn't be the last.

"I'll miss you!" I wept into her shirt.

Tanya wailed. "I'll visit! You can take me to Broadway shows!"

"Ladies, this is supposed to be a happy time," Garrett pointed out as he walked in with Edward. "Why are you both crying like that?"

"These are happy tears!" Tanya gave him an annoyed look. "You take care of my girl!"

"Women." Garrett looked at Edward and rolled his eyes.

Edward started chuckling.

Through blurry eyes, I saw them joking. Maybe they would be friends after all.

It would be a blessing indeed.


End file.
